Monster Energy Drinks

Political Commentary and Humor
for Coffee and Energy Drink Guzzlers ONLY:
(Instructions: Best appreciated if read AFTER energy drink consumption,
A.D.D afflicted just skip the first half and start in the middle LOL :-) )

Monsters

I saw that one of my Facebook friends Mickey posted that he drank “Wayyyy too much Coffee” which reminded me of my father who used to say he drank a lot of coffee, but how did he know when sometimes he’d drink a coffee mixed with hot chocolate at night because it’s less strong than regular coffee or expresso that I’ll drink to keep me going and alert and I also drink Monsters and Red Bulls, but the sugar free ones and sometimes I’ve had Rockstars but they are too sweet so I tend to drink more Blue Monsters and Red Bulls but too many Red Bulls make me irritable and nasty so I stick with the Blue Monsters because they make me giggle and happy and when I go to 7/11 that used to have 2 Monsters for $4 which brings the price down from $2.56 to $2 each which then saves you more than $1 each time you buy two , if you buy four a day that means you save $2 which means that every two days you’re saving $4 dollars and for the $4 dollars you saved you can buy two of the 8 ounce Red Bulls for free because 7/11 also has them on specials so then buying the Red Bulls isn’t actually costing you anything so it’s like not buying them at all but you’ll still have them if you want one and I also like buying the tall 24 ounce Blue Monsters in the can with the round cap because when you look at the price you’re actually spending less per ounce with the tall cans then you are with the two smaller cans that are saving you the $1 each time you buy two but 7/11 often runs out of the tall 24 ounce Blue Monsters and only has the tall 24 ounce green monsters that I don’t want to buy because I watch what I eat like eating a lot of kale because my friend and long time inspiration Alexis Dellar Hanson mentioned that she eats kale and I eat a lot of fish because Japanese people don’t have heart attacks and I also don’t want that much sugar so when 7/11 doesn’t have the tall 24 ounce blue monsters I like to buy the white Ultra Monsters that look kinda like skim milk when you pour them which makes me wonder if there isn’t some sort of marketing psychology behind that but speaking about marketing psychologies leads you to thinking about marketing strategies and for a while now Monster has been grabbing more shelf space in 7/11 by introducing the Red and Blue Ultra’s that don’t taste very different from the regular blue monsters except the red does have cranberry which is healthy and does look more festive over the holidays but I can never just buy the red monsters alone because you used to get 2 monsters for just $4 dollars so I’d have to pick out a second can which would then make me want to mix and pair the red cans with the blue ultra can but then you have to buy the white so that when you open up your refrigerator you get to see red white and blue which of course is the color of our flag which makes you think they did that on purpose to compel anal cumpulsive patriotics :-D to buy more Monsters because how can you buy red, white and not blue which then makes it an odd number so you’d have to buy the 4th monster to get the 2 for $4 dollar special so because you don’t want to buy another red white or blue sugar free ultra monster because then it wouldn’t be “Fair and Balanced” you grab that “Zero” calorie monster which has to make you wonder where that 1 calorie comes from that’s in the other sugar free monsters or more importantly what’s in the Zero calorie monster that’s taking the place of whatever is causing the 1 calorie in the other monsters in the first place and because I watch what I eat and don’t know what accounts for the 1 calorie in the sugar free monsters and what’s NOT causing that 1 calorie in the Zero calorie monster, buying the zero calorie monsters concerns me about what I’m putting in my system when I drink it and then I think about those gun toting kids at Columbine or up in New Town Ct. and all these kids drinking this stuff and wondering why do kids need energy drinks in the first place and if they are drinking the same Red Bulls that make me irritable and nasty so if I’ve had a few sugar free Red Bulls that will tend to make me nasty I counter them with the Monster “REHAB”s because they rehab you and we all need rehabbing unless you go to the gym like I do and drink a chocolate Monster “Muscle” energy drink that tastes just like YooHoo but makes you crave Ring Dings and Twinkies that are now new and improved because we all know how Twinkies needed improvement (whose brilliant Idea was that) and back on the market but now last 18 times longer so dooms day preppers can stock up on them without concern while l toss and turn all night wondering about all of this and if Red Bull isn’t to blame for the decline of western civilization and the deaths of so many innocent kids in these school shootings and I’d like to know if the investigators of these horrific, tragic events log what the contents of these peoples garbage cans are and how many Red Bulls they’ve had before going on a bullet spraying rampage because inquiring minds need to know and because it may have a causal effect so I personally shy away from the Red Bulls and only have them every so often and stick with the blue monsters that make me giggle though I’m not giggling at all over X-box owning empathy dulling computer game playing Red Bull guzzling tots bringing guns to school I am worrying about our America and what these violent computer games are doing to our kids and what we’re doing with gun control and the NRA and stop and frisk which I wouldn’t have a problem with and most often think is good except it draws my attention to this growing chasm between the people and the State and our governing and controlling institutions who no longer have any resemblance to the “Of The People, By The People, For the People” credo our natiion was founded on and then I ponder about this other even stranger group of separated people we call Congressional Lobbyists and our politicians and then I worry about who they are, because they seem more like a “They” than an “Us” now and have amended our laws to allow some things to be legal for “Them” that are still illegal for “Us” like insider trading that sent Martha Stewart to jail because she overheard something at a party when our Senators go to the bank for doing the same thing, and I worry that “they” are not paying attention to the fact that our America is losing the dollar as the world’s standard for currency and that’s a huge concern for us which makes you think others in government and on Wall Street and the Henry Paulson’s and Ben Bernanki’s and the AIG’s and the Goldman Sachs must know this and are just not sharing it with us and that’s why they’re all grabbing as much money as they can out of you and me and our economy with impunity and while it still lasts while we’re all busy watching Honey Boo Boo and not realizing how all the middle class will be living if we don’t pay attention and then of course there’s the animal rights issues and groups like Animal Freedom Fighter and cool people like Nora Constance Marino and Judith Jones that are doing their best to raise our consciousness and to stop so much cruelty to animals and I think we should be looking at what it means that our country’s athletes can’t wear American symbols at the Olympics in Russia and being instructed to “Not dress like an American” and what does that actually mean about who we are in the world stage and I can’t decide which causes insomnia more, worrying about all these things or the Vodka and Red Bull I had at 8 o’clock and though I don’t know how much Coffee is “Wayyyy too much coffee” I do monitor my Monster intake by how many dollars I retrieve on each receipt I get from the Waldbaums can recycling bin every Saturday because I am
environmentally conscious and recycle which usually amounts to around $2 and you know what that buys at 7/11 !!! 8-)

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